


Kirk, Re-Booted

by nycz



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, complete and total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1361605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nycz/pseuds/nycz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an incident onboard the ship, Kirk is required to wear special shoes for his and the ship's safety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kirk, Re-Booted

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: A Great Feet of Engineering
> 
> Nothing but crack. I blame a little plot bunny that attacked me after I'd watched the Star Trek Into Darkness.
> 
> (Also, I kind of ship Kirk/shoes in this fic because I'm a very serious person.)
> 
> Enjoy!

It was a quiet morning on the Enterprise's bridge. No anomalies, no hails or distress calls, just a vast expanse of interstellar space.

Perhaps, Spock mused, the fact that the captain hadn't showed up for his shift yet may have been contributing to the peace as well.

"Spock," Kirk's voice was heard through the comm system. It truly fascinated Spock just how many emotions Kirk managed to fit in one syllable, albeit mostly negative ones.

"Yes, captain?"

"Where the hell are– wait, never mind. Just get your ass over here, now."

Frowning slightly at his choice of words, Spock nonetheless got out of the captain's chair and motioned for one of the other officers to take his place.

"I'm on my way."

 

* * *

 

The doors to the captain's quarters slid open, revealing a quite disgruntled James Kirk, holding a pair of boots.

At first glance they looked like some kind of skiing boots, but they were much thicker and had regular soles for walking. The buckles were large and bulky, painted in bright reflective colors with warning signs and blinking warning lights on them. The rest of the boots were also extremely garish with enough reflective surfaces and pulsating lights to be visible from deep space.

"Where are my boots?" Kirk demanded before Spock had a chance to speak.

Spock looked quizzically first at Kirk and then at the boots in his hand. "I believe you are holding them," he noted as he entered the room.

"Where are my _real_ boots, Spock. These things are ridiculous!" He waved the boots angrily in Spock's general direction. "I can't put them on with out a, uh, certified–"

"A certified medical security technician," Spock helpfully provided.

"Well yeah, whatever. The computer keeps telling me that whenever I try to put them on, since, you know, someone stole all my other shoes." He threw the boots aside and started pacing. "I even tried to walk out without boots, and the doors won't open!"

Spock waited for a moment, unsure how to approach the situation. "I'm not sure what you are asking. Your boots are not stolen; they are in storage."

"What? Why?"

"I gave you the decision from Starfleet as soon as I got it, captain. Did you not read it?"

Kirk gave him a confused look. "Was it on a PADD?"

"Correct. You said you were going to read it at your earliest convenience. That was two weeks ago."

"Two weeks already? You sure?"

"I'm quite certain."

Kirk rolled his eyes. "Well, I get PADDs all the time. It's not like I can read _all_ of them."

"Captain," Spock said, as close to exasperation as he ever got, "may I remind you that every one of those have vital information concerning this ship, its crew and its mission. According to Starfleet regula–"

"Don't," Kirk interrupted. "It's far too early for all that Starfleet regulation crap right now."

"That regulation 'crap' has been–"

"Just tell me what the PADD said," Kirk sighed.

There was a tense silence, but finally, Spock relented.

"Very well. Starfleet has decided that, in exchange for you retaining command of this vessel, you will have to wear specially designed safety boots," he held up a hand to halt the brooding captain's objections, "and that all other footwear will be confiscated and put in secure storage until further notice. Furthermore, seeing how the incident came to be, only certified medical security technicians will be allowed to put on and activate the safety boots."

"Safety boots? Are you serious? Come on, the ship didn't even get damaged!"

"Quite serious, captain. Now, do you want me to help you with your boots or should I get the doctor?"

 

* * *

 

"Damn it Spock, I said be careful!"

"I'm sorry, captain. I'm not used to these kinds of activities."

"Well get used to it, I'm not letting Bones anywhere near my feet. And for the record, these... things are insane. How am I supposed to get them off?"

"I belive that would fall to me or Dr. McCoy as well."

Kirk mumbled a few curses as Spock gently guided his free foot down into the waiting safety boot. "Whose idea was these ridiculous boots anyway?" he grumbled.

"Dr McCoy was most helpful in finding a solution to your accident-prone relationships with your footwear."

"Bones?" Kirk sputtered, "Bones did this?" Completely disregarding Spock crouching in front of him he flew up and barged out of the room, sputtering curses and various promises of disciplinary actions that may or may not have included large amounts of physical pain.

Spock sighed, standing up. "Captain–"

Moments later, Kirk came marching back, a faint blush creeping up his scowling face.

"–as I just explained, you can not leave until both boots are secured and activated."

"I'm going to kill him. With his own damn boots."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "I doubt Starfleet Command would approve. Regardless, you need to allow me to finish putting on your shoes before we can leave."

Rolling his eyes, Kirk threw himself back on the bed and shot out his foot to let Spock continue.

 

* * *

 

Despite trying, Spock hadn't been able to calm Kirk down the slightest on their way to the sickbay.

"Bones!" Kirk barked as soon as the doors opened.

"Jim, I was wondering when you'd show up." McCoy shot Spock a disapproving look. "If Spock dragged it out any longer I'd have been forced to get over to you and slap those boots on myself."

"I merely thought it would be appropriate to give him some time to adjust to the new situation."

McCoy snorted. "He won't adjust to anything if you keep babying him like this."

Kirk slammed his hand down hard on the nearest bed. The bed however, being soft, only responded with a disappointing thud. His dramatic gesture and beginning pout luckily still got the attention of the two bickering officers. "Would you guys focus? I can't go around like this!"

He was met with two raised eyebrows.

"You travelling from your quarters to the sickbay would seem to prove the opposite, captain," Spock noted.

"They're just shoes, Jim. I don't see what the problem is."

It was becoming more and more obvious to Kirk that the two other officers didn't see the gravity of the situation.

"You don't see the problem? You don't– look at these things," Kirk exclaimed, his voice high from exasperation. "They're ugly, they take forever to put on – I don't even want to know how I'm supposed to get them off – _and_ I need Spock around me all the time!"

"Yeah, having Spock around, that'll be a real problem," McCoy muttered, tapping on a PADD.

"Come on, doc, you've got to at least make them _stylish_." He waved his hand at his feet. "Look at them! A dozen different colors? Warning signs on the buckles? And how much damn velcro can you even fit–"

"Damn it, Jim!" McCoy interrupted Kirk's rant. "I'm a doctor, not a shoemaker. The only reason I had to make them was that I was the best one suited for the job that knew you well enough to know what to plan for."

Kirk scoffed, rolling his eyes. "It's not like I'm a danger to the ship, doc."

"You almost blew it up when you tripped while taking off your shoes!" Waving his PADD in Kirk's face, he slammed it down in Kirk's palm before continuing. "You know what that is? That's the damn medical bill for all the psychological trauma you gave half the engineering crew when you had them eject the warp core to avoid a self-destruct program _you_ initiated!"

Feeling a faint blush creeping up on him again, Kirk was smart enough not to say anything, instead clamping his lips shut and waiting for the doctor to calm down.

"I believe what the doctor is trying to say is that you do have a tendency to get caught up in unfortunate incidents and accidents and that these boots should help remedy the situation."

"Fine." Kirk grumbled, his face set in a scowl. "I don't get how a pair of shoes could possibly help with my so-called incidents though. I mean, it was only that one time."

"Statistically, dangerous situation aboard the ship should lower with 63.7% when you're wearing the safety boots," Spock noted.

"You've calculated the risk of me getting into an accident that precisely?" Kirk asked incredulously.

"He was talking about all accidents on the ship, Jim," McCoy said.

Before Kirk had time to react, Spock smoothly interjected. "Thank you doctor." Turning to Kirk, he continued. "We should head back to the bridge."

Shooting a last hateful look at the doctor – who didn't look even slightly fazed – Kirk relented and stomped out of the medbay, Spock not far behind.

 

* * *

 

The safety boots were constricting, ugly, uncomfortable and all in all horrible, Kirk had decided as soon as he wore them. Sitting in the captain's chair on the bridge, however, he decided it was time to get them off, Starfleet be damned.

The PADD McCoy had shoved into his hand in the medbay luckily enough also happened to contain the blueprints for the boots, and as this was an unusually empty and uneventful part of space, Kirk had many hours to spend studying the design.

Finally, he was certain he'd found a flaw that would be easy enough to expose without needing too drastic measures.

"Ensign," he addressed one of the officers on the bridge that didn't seem to have too much to do. "Go get me a knife, will you?"

The ensign blinked in confusion. "A knife, sir?"

"That's what I said. There's got to be one somewhere on the ship, right?"

"I'm... not sure, sir. But I will look," the ensign added quickly before scurrying off.

Kirk went back to carefully studying the blueprints on the PADD. Yes, this would definitely work, no doubts about it, and he didn't have to use any of the earliest plans he'd considered either. A knife was much easier to get ahold of than microexplosives, laser cutters or ultra-precise transporters.

"Here you go sir," the now breathless ensign said when returning with the knife a few minutes later.

"Thanks," Kirk mumbled and pulled up his foot on the chair to get a better position when cutting.

The buckles were sturdy, but just as the blueprint showed, there was a weak spot which Kirk exposed successfully. Three buckles snapped open and he felt the sweet freedom of his feet lurking just around the corner. Seeing how the other buckles wouldn't budge, he instead decided to tear the boot off with them still attatched.

With a loud grunt, the boot came loose and flew off his foot, crashing into one of the panels on the helm before bouncing off and taking out a display.

Loud noises from the broken equipment, the surprised and confused crew and the computer's voice filled the bridge as the light flickered and loose wires fizzled.

"Core safety mechanisms are malfunctioning," the computer announced in its eerily calm voice. "Please evacuate the ship at once. Core overload imminent. All safety protocols have disengaged."

Kirk sat perfectly still, staring at the broken panel that his boot had struck moments earlier. Then, he uttered one word.

"Shit!"


End file.
